The Better Gift...

I've been writing a ton over the past month, literally have dozens of pages in journals and other books for ourselves and the kids to review in the future. I might post a few things out here every now and then, but the primary purpose of the blog is to keep everyone updated on Ammon and let you know how our little fighter is doing. So in other words, don't feel like this is must read material, it's usually just random late night thoughts and experiences that occur while sitting next to Ammon's bed. Thanks again everyone.

I sometimes (let’s say 2 or 3% of the time, which in a 24 hour day is too much) have gotten all fired up in this journey at an ageless, faceless, inanimate thing, specifically these emotionless little diseased cancer cells. It sounds almost foolish to get so fired up at something that can’t communicate, can’t laugh, and can’t ever do anything productive other than inflict pain and heartache. In some regards it’s like cussing at a rock that I just smashed and bloodied my toe against. But as pointless as it might be to get angry at something that doesn’t even have a soul, I have still gotten angry. Sometimes, I probably choose unwisely and briefly focus on that anger and I call that cancer out. I boldly challenge him with fury in my voice to leave my son out of this! Come meet me instead. Anytime, anywhere, and come prepared to receive a fatal encounter. “Come pick on a man,” I naively shout, forgetting that the much bigger man in Ammon is already in this fight. And I’m sure if that cancer was even capable of one logical thought he would actually choose to meet me and leave Ammon alone, because he would realize that someone not near as strong and not near as brave as Ammon had just stepped up. Every bully like this is really just a coward at heart, and his non-existence heart would tell him to pick the easier path. Pick the opponent that doesn’t inspire as much faith and hope, as much charity and testimony in everyone around him. Even against the weaker opponent he would still lose in the end, I’d make sure of that, but as he falls he would know that fewer people were inspired and touched by love, and his heartless heart would somehow take a measure of pleasure in that.

I’m recognizing that there are at least two gifts among many being presented to me each day as I sit next to Ammon’s bed. Both are valid, both are reasonable to accept, particularly under the circumstances. And in some regards both gifts are available because of Ammon and who he is and what he is enduring. One gift, the gift of anger, is caused by those little cancer cells. Ammon doesn’t create this gift, but because of what he is enduring it is there nonetheless waiting to be opened and experienced if one chooses. The other gift is joy. Pure joy and love. Ammon is the creator of this gift, it flows through him, in fact, he was blessed with this divine gift on the day he was born. Ammon inspires Christ like charity in people, and people not only feel it, they respond to it and act upon it. Ammon’s experiences so far, and what he inspires in people, have been expressed by those that he’s touched all the way from large congregations of people at stake conferences to small families with one or two little children around a dinner table (among the many, we’ve learned of one message that a Stake President shared in conference was specifically about Ammon’s experiences and the gifts he loves best). It’s not the gift of anger that is shared in these settings, it is the gift of joy and love. Joy is a much more powerful instrument in this battle, because joy is born of miracles, of charity, of hope, and of the loving blessings and reality of God. Joy and its resulting strengths and gifts will win the battle more swiftly and more surely than any of the weapons that anger offers. I do believe the battle can be won on anger alone, but it wouldn’t be as decisive, the wounds and scars would be deeper, and really several of the main points of the battle itself would be missed. For me, I’m trying to learn all I can through Ammon’s painful experiences, I’m trying to do my part to bring this battle campaign to a successful and swifter resolution. So because of that, from this point forward I’m arming myself with the better gift as best I can. I’ll choose to accept the gift of joy and all of its accompanying instruments and blessings. That’s Ammon’s real gift to me.