Nothin' New

I don't have much to write which means we are kind of at a "wait and see" position. Yesterday we took another "road trip" --that's their exciting way of saying we get to leave the room. It takes a team of three to unhook his bypap to portable oxygen, undo the leads to a portable heart rate monitor then steer the bed, iv tower and O2 unit through the halls and elevator to get an xray downstairs of his abdomen area. He still has contrast in his stomach from the beginning of last week, so they wanted to see if they had missed a terrible infection and make sure the walls or lining of the intestinal tract were not breaking down. Everything looked good, which is great, but then why are his bowels not moving--again not something I thought my life would revolve around--it could be the chemo, narcotics, or still effects of pancreas healing, but they expected things to be moving by now. Oh the sad news of the day is that he is losing his hair. I noticed all around his pillow yesterday that he started shedding. I kind of forgot about that. Just another thing I thought would happen eventually, but not yet. I asked the nurse for clippers because it was starting to fall in his eyes and face. She brought in some clippers from the OR and I shaved his head. I tried to think of it as a summer buzz? Luckily loosing hair doesn't hurt and I don't think Ammon will care(he might be a little colder). I do have to say I have been rubbing his hair and head a lot to calm him over the past week and I will miss that softness. I think the sad part about losing hair is that it reminds you of cancer. That outward sign instantly makes me feel compassion for someone. If the kids around us had hair I might wonder what was wrong, but when I see a child that doesn't have hair, I instantly know a part of what they are going through and I smile at them and my heart breaks. Maybe that is why hair is lost. Humility and compassion...the rest of us are all doing fantastic. Coleson and Brynn get to witness the kindness coming continually of cards, reading about birthday service, cookies, play time, etc. I am doing good, I let Brian post because he is such a good writer and doesn't cry going over the events. I usually only cry when I am revisiting the events, share bad news and can feel the pain others go through on our behalf. I would never be able to be a news reporter and have to say bad depressing things everyday, I rarely watch the news for that reason. I think I have become desensitized to traumatic medical things with Ammon. I just take it and start dealing with what needs to be done. The stuff that gets to me is when he cries and I don't know what to do to fix it. I did feel on the brink of emotions a few days, so I avoided talking too much. I don't like to sit around and cry. I have learned to really feel happy for all the positives. I also see a lot of "it could be worse". I saw that in Ammon's classroom, I hear it from friends who have other problems to deal with, I see it when I walk through the waiting room and people are crying, it really can be a depressing place. Trauma happens here. Upstairs on the oncology floor, we heard kids ringing bells once a day because they were done with treatments, the nurses are all happy and excited we joined their team to win the battle. Here not as much excitement. We have no windows and actually gave Ammon melatonin last night because we think he is starting to get his days and nights switched....which equals not so much sleep for me. I have been extremely lucky to have Brian switch sleeping almost every other night with me. My parents and now just my dad have watched the kids to keep their normal daily schedule...which is key to balancing our whole family. I do cry when I feel gratitude from prayers and hearing these kind deeds on Ammon's behalf.Thanks